I thought this process would finally rid me of the hardness of heart, soul, mind. I thought realizing the moment the hardness started would help me to let go of it completely and let Him take control. I thought I was beyond all this.
Instead I am becoming more hard then ever, trying to protect myself from the pain I am digging up. Layers upon layers of self-betrayal for the sake of protecting the softness; I only succeeded in crushing it.
I am sitting here, staring at a list of 35 people, and every one is more difficult to deal with than the last because each one represents at least one devastating time in my life. I have only worked through five, and even those aren't healed, just exposed. The wound is open and I'm sitting here waiting for someone to come along who knows how to stitch me back up without leaving a disfiguring scar.
The truth? I'm terrified. And it's holding me back from God. Once again I am discovering that if I suppress the pain I am suppressing Him; if I pretend to be alright for everyone else I cannot hope to be genuine with Him.
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