Day 40

Reading back, I feel like this blog has become some sort of testament to my time at college. In one click I can immediately transport myself back to who I was on my happiest afternoon, my longest night, the deepest depression, the worst mistakes, or my greatest successes.

George Santayana once said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." I wonder what deep, dark issues George had that led to him feeling condemned; he speaks as a man who has been through some repetition himself. It's fascinating for me to walk back through the last two-and-a-bit years and see the threads that run all the way through; mistakes that could have been avoided had I only taken the time to look back and learn seem painfully obvious now.

Some things are ridiculously clear all of a sudden (sidenote: I love that phrase, "all of a sudden." It's deeper than we generally give it credit). I witnessed a proposal yesterday, and rather than making me feel jealous or anxious for my own time, a shocking thought came to me: what makes me believe that I deserve any less than that? I have been so willing to settle, in the past, for anyone who would look my way and promise whatever they thought would make me stay awhile. Now I am seeing more clearly. The disconnect between the ideal man, the one who I will spend the rest of my life with, and the boys I am happy to be flattered by and pursued by has been obliterated. It has suddenly come together that if I want the next one to be The One, I have to allow Jesus to heal my heart so that I can be worthy of him; I need to decide what are the non-negotiables so that when a man pursues me I won't get swept up in the moment.

Thankfully I have until the end of April to figure out my life and my heart, but that doesn't stop me from thinking and hearing and seeing and feeling. I am looking around me and seeing the amazing qualities of the guys surrounding me, and I can appreciate them for who they are while still respecting myself and them.

Here's to turning over a new leaf.