If It's Love We Decide that It's Forever, No One Else could Do It Better

I thought this process would finally rid me of the hardness of heart, soul, mind. I thought realizing the moment the hardness started would help me to let go of it completely and let Him take control. I thought I was beyond all this.

Instead I am becoming more hard then ever, trying to protect myself from the pain I am digging up. Layers upon layers of self-betrayal for the sake of protecting the softness; I only succeeded in crushing it.

I am sitting here, staring at a list of 35 people, and every one is more difficult to deal with than the last because each one represents at least one devastating time in my life. I have only worked through five, and even those aren't healed, just exposed. The wound is open and I'm sitting here waiting for someone to come along who knows how to stitch me back up without leaving a disfiguring scar.

The truth? I'm terrified. And it's holding me back from God. Once again I am discovering that if I suppress the pain I am suppressing Him; if I pretend to be alright for everyone else I cannot hope to be genuine with Him.

Looking Back, Moving Forward

Today I've been reading over a mini-journal I kept at camp this summer. It was a compilation of thoughts based on what the speakers had said, as well as new things I was coming to understand about God. As I read them now, I can see the things I grasped and have worked into my life already, and the thoughts which haven't yet completely sunk in. Six months later and I'm still trying to understand the same truths. So here is a sample. I think it's so awesome.


"I need to be ministering to people. If I'm not loving on them, it doesn't matter who I am. My self is no where near important as the one [lost sheep].
I want to be genuinely pleased with who I am.

"Joshua 5:13-15 -> Joshua at once realizes his mistake, that God does not work for him, but the other way around. They're on God's side, not him on theirs.

"Romans 11:33-36 -> God's plans for my life are totally untraceable.
His plans are so beyond us. We cannot possibly understand the intricacies. I cannot know the mind of God, or counsel him as to what he should do in my life, or think that for anything I've done he would owe me.
The fact that I'm breathing is evidence of God's grace for me.
Everything originates in God, is held together through God, and exists to glorify God.

"This INCREDIBLE God loves us.
It's ridiculous.

"None of it is for my glory, for me.
It's only for HIM.

"John 12:41-43 -> These leaders cared more for human approval than God's.
Stand. No compromise. That's leadership. That's belief.

"LOVE YOUR ENEMIES!
Who am I to say that anyone owes me an apology, owes me ANYTHING, when I owe God my life?

"The only cure for guilt is to understand that God IS compassion.

"Hebrews 4:14-16 -> Jesus gets us.

"Romans 8:1 -> 'Therefore there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.'
God is always asking us to come back to him, ready to give and have more.

"My heart's cry: I want to know I need God like the air I breathe."


To me, this is inspiration in its purest form. Looking back on what God was teaching me half a year ago, seeing how far I've come and how far I still have to go.

I hope that I never reach a day where I think I've had enough God, where I know enough about him that any more would just be silly. Every day, I want to come to know him better. Hopefully I can put myself aside long enough to allow him to change my heart.