I Feel Seventy-Four Years Old

I feel old and gray and all the things I never want to be. I have realized a truth about myself tonight that reveals more about me than I ever thought any one thing could. AH is for honesty.

I am scared to death of commitment.

This coming from the girl who has wanted to be married since before she could walk, and who wants kids even more. It's not that I don't want to be committed to someone or spend my life with them...I've just become so accustomed to the pattern:
A. Meet guy.
B. Some level of commitment.
C. Fall in love (optional).
D. End on someone's account.
E. Start again.
As much as I want to eliminate D and E from the itinerary eventually, I haven't yet realized that it will actually happen. I'm insane.

I'm so glad that God is helping me work through this totally irrational, though very real, fear now; when it comes time to actually commit totally to someone I should be over it. And by should be, I mean that every second I type and every moment my heart has to wrap around the idea is only bringing me closer to good feelings on this topic too.

Today I got burned at work, broke a nail, saw Star Trek and have spent the majority of my time on some very deep thoughts. This is what I KNOW:
1. Every one of these thoughts and struggles is for a purpose that He is working towards.
2. I am NOT alone.
3. This peace is unlike any other, and I am going to cling to the One who gave it to me instead of the peace itself.

I don't know where this is going, and I don't know if you care. All I know is that I don't know how much longer I can go on in this in-between state that I always seem to get caught in.