Immeasurably More

That pretty ball of light is your head as I rip it off your body. Slash that was just a dream I had last night before commencing our 18 hour drive today.

Home. Home is exactly where I want to be.

Jesus, it was May 21st. Did You not see the signs held up on every corner in New York City or read the pamphlets all about how You were supposed to come back today? Why oh why did You not?

Random Jumble:

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Put It to You

I am back in Toronto. It is only for the weekend, but that does not make it easier to bear. Just recounting some of the events of last summer in the van on the way into the city was enough to get me nauseous and sweating profusely. I also had a not-so-pretty breakdown in the bathroom, realizing how much crap had actually gone down there. And that is not even the beginning. This place is an emotional war zone that supersedes time and space; it is as though I never left. I am here with new people under a different kind of protection, yet I still feel as naked as the first day I was belittled here. On the other hand, it also reminds me of a surprising strength that surpassed all circumstances that I toted around like a battle shield; let's face it, that was Christ in me and nothing to do with me at all. If I do not hold onto Him now, I will not make it.

List.

What I need right now.

• A hot shower.
• A big hug.
• Three shots of tequila.
• A back rub.
• To go swimming.
• New shoes.
• A bagel with cream cheese.
• To be able to see the stars.
• Someone to sit me down, say what I need to hear, and mean it.
• More perfume.
• For my coat to be dry.
• A bouquet of cheerful flowers.
• A downpour.
• Chinese take-out.
• To quit school.

Things I don't need right now.

• Another black tank top.
• A glass of milk.
• A painting of a toilet.
• Another reason to just throw it in.

Things I'm thankful for, anyway.

• Jesus.
• Straight teeth.
• Imminent sleep.
• Chocolate.
• Jesus.

Why would You Want to Take Our Love and Tear It all Apart?

I need to stop making excuses for not being who I want to be. There is this woman I sometimes see in my eyes and I want her to shine through all the time. She is lovely and politely contrary and expresses the creativity that is always threatening to break through - the creativity that I stuff down because I don't have time to express it in the brilliantly daring way it demands - and she knows where she's heading and is okay with being in love with only Jesus for her whole life and paints a sunrise on her face instead of a suitcase full of make-up to feel beautiful and exudes genuine confidence because she genuinely knows that her heart is genuine. She is wonderful and I want to embrace her with all of me, but that means letting go of the things that conflict with her character. She is also strong enough to let go of the things holding her back.

I, on the other hand (or the other side of my near-schizo personality), am weak. I suppress my passions and push my way through issues that aren't worth how it hurts my friendships and constantly question where God is leading me and am still desperately scared that no man will ever love me enough to want me forever and still feel uncomfortable not wearing make-up even after a week of keeping it minimal because I am so afraid that I am not good enough or confident enough or beautiful enough without it. I am so weak that I still hold onto the last 5% of my life with all my feeble strength in the hope of...I don't even know what. I only hold myself back.

So here comes the challenge, the dilemma. What if I just jump? What if I take hold of the woman who fiercely demands her place in my life from within my own eyes and let her rule? What if I give myself over to the part of me that longs for Jesus to have my whole heart and be the example for every action, every word, every thought or motive?

Everything would change. The world would never be the same. Okay, this is it. I am taking the plunge. I am going to try this for one week...hold me accountable. I really need it. No. I really need God in control before I go out of control. I need a Daddy, I need a Friend, I need Someone to hold my hand, I need a Guide, I need a Lover. I need Jesus more than my pitiful human shell could ever know.