Two Days, Two Nights

...and the accommodations in no way look like what is pictured above. Two days and I am home. I probably do not need to go into what being home means, as I have already done so continuously over the last few weeks.

sitting in a hall

separated by distance

too great to traverse

Haikus say it all.

The Riot in My Heart Decides to Keep Me Open and Alive

I don't know which is worse: watching something new that breaks my heart, or listening to something old that does the same thing.

Eleven more days and I am home. I don't want this to turn into a countdown because that is not what it is meant to be. I know I will miss this and want this and wish I had done things differently once it is over, but for now I long for the same old: my bed, my shower, my own food and my own life. I miss alone time.

We passed endless streams of perfectly calm lakes on our trip today. The water was completely still, but on it raged the cloud and sunset sky, and acres of perfect pointing pines. That is exactly how I feel. If you look for water, you see the flatness and smoothness of nothing wrinkling the surface; if you look at what it is reflecting, you see something entirely different.

Another hotel tonight, and then onward. It seems mundane, but there is something growing inside me that I cannot explain. On the surface it is invisible; from another angle, it is breath-taking. When it grows to fullness...words fail.

I Want to Make It Last

Today is the last day. Day 231. I still have some work to do, but who cares?! I'm done. Done with the unnecessary stress and the false guilt and the opinions I cannot change. Entering a convent wouldn't change what this day can change. It's my own sense of liberation that marks today. The weight on my shoulders has been a burden that has hardened me in places I didn't want to see, but in the end I have come out stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.

I love cupcakes, too.

And playoff hockey.

And purple blankets.

And 7up.

And laser shows.

Now, I know that tomorrow will be better.

Four More Sleeps

There are only four more sleeps until this year is over. That makes today Day 227. It's almost over. It's almost over. It's almost over.

It. Is. Almost. Over.

Lord, give me strength.

Day 216

It's amazing how fast time goes in hindsight. 215 days ago, 231 days seemed impossible; now I just have no idea where the time went. I've grown a lot in the meantime, but it has nothing to do with what these days represent. It has everything to do with the people in my life, and Freedom Session, and finally getting everything settled with the insurance company, and majorly working out a lot of stuff. I don't like cynicism and I think it turns me an ugly colour, but it would be a lie to pretend that this unnecessary stress has been for my benefit. There is nothing worse than being told I'm hearing an apology that is actually a self-justification; or when something I denied eight months ago is still brought up as fact; or when the purity of the entire world rests on my shoulders. Yeah. I get kind of tense. All the work I have done feels like it was for nothing. No one saw it. I wasted my energy and my sanity on people who don't see me.

On a better note, there's only two weeks left. This summer will be the bomb.

Day 150

Also known as the day I can officially stop counting. But I do not want this to change my resolve. No matter how drunk on freedom I might be, I need to stay strong.

All I know right now is that I am very very tired and need sleep more than these delicious chili crispy minis or the heater or Community.

Oh, and I really like wasting time.

In the End, It all Comes down to...Numbers?

As I've probably mentioned in previous blogs, I used to have serious anger issues in high school. I literally could not control my rage at times. It's taken a huge softening of my heart to get me to here, a place where I might get frustrated or hurt or passionate about disrespect to another, but it takes a heck of a lot to get me angry...especially on my own behalf.

Today, I found myself angry. Still hurt, still questioning why God brought me here...and, finally, angry. It has slowly been washed away throughout the day, but I was amazed both to find myself that angry and that it took so long to become so. There are certain things I will not stand for, that my heart and integrity will not let pass before me without inflicting (what I hope is) righteous anger.

But. Still. I'm asking God to take it away. I will not leave here bitter; I will not leave here angry. That is not who I am, and that is certainly not who He has called me to be.

Only 62 hours to go.

Only 62 hours to go.

Only 61 hours to go.