As I've probably mentioned in previous blogs, I used to have serious anger issues in high school. I literally could not control my rage at times. It's taken a huge softening of my heart to get me to here, a place where I might get frustrated or hurt or passionate about disrespect to another, but it takes a heck of a lot to get me angry...especially on my own behalf.
Today, I found myself angry. Still hurt, still questioning why God brought me here...and, finally, angry. It has slowly been washed away throughout the day, but I was amazed both to find myself that angry and that it took so long to become so. There are certain things I will not stand for, that my heart and integrity will not let pass before me without inflicting (what I hope is) righteous anger.
But. Still. I'm asking God to take it away. I will not leave here bitter; I will not leave here angry. That is not who I am, and that is certainly not who He has called me to be.
Only 62 hours to go.
Only 62 hours to go.
Only 61 hours to go.
I went to see two plays tonight. I cannot remember the last play I went to see...at first, because I was fearfully jealous, and then because I was fearfully afraid. Tonight I broke the cycle of hearing, maybe-ing, pretending to think, and finally, though apparently reluctantly, declining.
In high school, I had a lot of doors opened to me academically. Without lifting a finger (sometimes literally), I could pull off stellar marks and still have time to go on a date, do my nails, write a novel and consume a butt-load of junk food and alcohol, all in one night. I prided myself on never having to try to get the grades I desired, but where I did put my extra effort was acting. Although it always came easy, I found that I could throw myself headlong into it and not regret one moment of practicing and memorizing for endlessly monotonous hours.
When I graduated, my plans all revolved around drama in some way: run off to LA (original) and somehow launch a professional acting career; finally learn to sing and go off to Broadway; college for performing arts. I'd been in several plays already, two with the theatre company I went to see tonight, and was confident in my future. Until God told me He had other ideas.
So tonight I faced my fears. I was still overwhelmingly jealous of every person on that stage, but a small part of me could still feel The Fear: the tiny nagging part of myself that wonders if I lost "it." But something else surfaced as well. As I watched the actors, I felt my body and my mind reacting in a way that has become foreign, but still feels like home. I knew what my actions would be for every line, I could see the lines on the page and replaced their ideas with my own inflections, and I felt my heart beat stronger with exhilaration.
Honesty time. I miss it desperately! Somehow, I need to find the time. Probably not this summer because I will be crazy busy, and school already seems too much to handle...but I have to. I feel compelled and I can't ignore it.
I am beyond passionate about this, and there is only one way I know to express it.
