It's Gonna Bring Me to My Knees

This is all so much more than my heart can stand. I don't like spending my spare time remembering how such-and-such a guy broke my heart, and that one lied to me, and that one did things I cannot even mention in my head let alone out loud. I'm not to the point of enjoying dragging out my deepest secrets and word-vomiting them onto paper, where, if they somehow fall into the wrong hands, they could destroy my life. There is no satisfaction in saying in detail how I've hurt the closest people in my life. And all of this makes it so incredibly difficult to do the other things I need to do...like papers, journals, readings or memorizations; these things that count a heck of a lot for my grade, but cannot trump what counts most for my heart's healing.

With every thing I write down, my walls come down with the words. I am shaken by every snide remark, by every well-meant comment that hits just the right hurt, and how they so easily bring me to my knees. But even all this is not enough. The other expectations - some of which I definitely take the blame for and others which I cannot get over - are crushing me. It is not that I want to break the rules, but I need air. I need to feel like I can breathe.

I'm a really claustrophobic person. I remember the day it started. I was playing hide-and-seek at my house and I hid in the bathroom hamper. Someone sat on it and wouldn't let me out. Ever since then, the strangest things bring me right back to that place. These regulations makes me feel exactly the same way.

Christmas is coming up. Finally. Maybe it seems like so long because I don't remember last Christmas, or because it smells like snow and I can't recall the last time I smelled air this crisp. I want to enjoy it. I want to wake up Boxing Day and remember the day before. So what do I need to do now to ensure what will happen then?

I need to relinquish my tight hold on my GPA. I have to do whatever it takes to stay in school...namely, not rebelling. I have to set a pattern in my days so that each one has meaning I can see, and so that some of the clutter in my mind can be organized as well. I need to quit wishing for things I cannot and never will have. I need to clear up my money stuff so that it's not over my head. I need to go to church, not just Young Adults. I have to forgive the people who have hurt me, let them off the hook, and just let go. I must, under any and all circumstances, continue with my Bible reading plan. And above all else, I need to seek God in every circumstance.

Oh God, please give me the strength I need. This is not going to be easy...not by a long shot.