Day 1 - When We've Been There

Today marks the beginning of another. Hello, round three. I will not be talking about it much, except in minutely interesting side references in blog titles, but it is the start and that requires I take some note of it.

I have hit a place where I have finally had enough. God and I are not close enough. I flee genuine relationship with Him like it is something I should fear, something I may lose my life over. Heh. Right. And then I sit here in my desert of terror instead of on the frightless island of my own making that is as easy to get to as closing my eyes. I need to get over whatever this is and let Him save me all the way.

Get ready. This semester just got a whole lot slower.

Drifting

That horrible letdown of defenses after a ridiculously long period of stress that leads to sickness.

I hate it. Being surrounded by the pressure of stress so tightly that, when it finally stops constricting, it still leaves me without breath.

I just watched a show where a boa constrictor was squeezing a guy to death, but they couldn't remove the snake because it had crushed his bones and if they did he would bleed out. The same thing that was killing him was also keeping him alive.

Ironic. One of the main stresses being removed meant letting go of the strict schedule that had kept me breathing. Now I have to reconstruct from the ground up all over again. I need to remind myself why I wake up in the morning instead of robotically going through the motions just to make it through the day.

There must be purpose beyond this.

Day 150

Also known as the day I can officially stop counting. But I do not want this to change my resolve. No matter how drunk on freedom I might be, I need to stay strong.

All I know right now is that I am very very tired and need sleep more than these delicious chili crispy minis or the heater or Community.

Oh, and I really like wasting time.

List.

What I need right now.

• A hot shower.
• A big hug.
• Three shots of tequila.
• A back rub.
• To go swimming.
• New shoes.
• A bagel with cream cheese.
• To be able to see the stars.
• Someone to sit me down, say what I need to hear, and mean it.
• More perfume.
• For my coat to be dry.
• A bouquet of cheerful flowers.
• A downpour.
• Chinese take-out.
• To quit school.

Things I don't need right now.

• Another black tank top.
• A glass of milk.
• A painting of a toilet.
• Another reason to just throw it in.

Things I'm thankful for, anyway.

• Jesus.
• Straight teeth.
• Imminent sleep.
• Chocolate.
• Jesus.

Beyond Where We Should Have Gone

Don't. Waste. Your. Life.

What does that even look like.

I. I am without the means to continue in the same way. If I were to stay here, stay the same...I would die. I have been suffocating for months.

For one, small, barely conceivable moment, I felt the tiniest breath of freedom. The weight was gone, the air was clean. It was but a moment. This. This is a cheesy song that everyone else laughs at but breaks my heart. The lyrics have become a haunting part of me.

Pray, pray, pray, seek, beg, pray, beg. Please please please please please fight for me I cannot fight for myself it never worked it won't work now just please please please fight fight for me on my behalf nothing I do will do anything I need You to fight please please fight.

Nothing.

...

.

I'm hanging on another day just to see what You will throw my way.

That anthem is slowly dying.

Drops of Jupiter in Her Hair

This whole expression is meant to say more than the words. I am struggling for how to describe even that, so how can I possibly hope to say the volumes beneath? I want to capture a thought so perfectly that it just...clicks into its own place in the universe. Everything held its breath until that one thing for which it has been waiting.

Silly.

Sunshine Sure Looks Good on You

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who complain all the time. There is a big difference between honestly telling someone how you're doing and going to ridiculous measures to make sure they know every little thing that is wrong. Maybe I'm still majorly lacking the gifts of mercy and compassion but, even here in my better state, I run out of patience with that kind of thing easily.

With that being said, it's rare that people know when things are genuinely wrong with me. I complain about stupid things just because they don't matter and keep the real to myself. I don't know if this is a good thing, it's just my thing. The last few weeks have been really hard to do that with, however. Tonight was especially bad because I had a KILLER migraine, which wasn't easy to hide. I suppose I could have spent the night in my room instead of curling up in the Aframe, but there is nothing worse than feeling terrible while being alone and unable to sleep.

I'm beginning to think it may be to my own detriment that I do not share what I'm going through all the time. But I don't know. I'm torn...thus this ridiculous blog that just goes back and forth. So here's the thing...my back is killing me. Literally. Maybe 5% of people know this, and even then...yeah. It takes all my energy, sucks me dry, and leaves me emotionally wrecked for everyone else to deal with. It does not appear to be getting better. I am stuck in the body of a 70-year-old, with most of the limitations that come with that (except I still have all my teeth, thank goodness). Add every other stress, and suddenly I'm back to wondering how I manage to get up each morning.

But I can't go back there! That was dark and hopeless and meant sleeping 16 hours a day.

This is the closest I may ever come to complaining about it. I hate that I even said this, but if I cannot be honest here then I am at a loss for where would be alright. This feels unbeatable.

Somewhere with You

laughing loud on a carnival ride

Exciting activity of the week: I kind of want to do cartwheels all the way down the driveway, and I do mean all the way.

pick me up at 3am

Decision of the week: I tried, and I'm done. This working isn't. <- Profound. I need to do something that excites me! I will not waste my life. Therefore, I need a new church.

the rain came down and we took cover

Thought of the week: I am just waiting for everything to come crashing down. I am afraid of being done in by my own stupidity and scaredness.

I hate my life, hold onto me

Love of the week: Doritos. I have not had one, but I need one. And then another. And then three bags. Yes, doritos.

it's just a temporary high, because when I close my eyes...

Then I Guess I'll Be Alabama Bound

I have started writing this five different times and cannot find the words.

The closest I have come:

I wish I were a better person.

I'll Drive All the Way to California

Millions of thoughts running through my head. Here's a brief summation:

• I want a new car. Desperately. I need to drive and drive and drive. When I leave driving too long, it drives me up the wall and I forget that I know how and I become paranoid and begin to doubt my skills. Which I obviously have. I don't just want to drive anywhere, I want to go somewhere hot and somewhat exotic and far away. It's becoming a need. I need a new car so I can do these things.
• I miss California. I did not want to go for reading break, but now I miss it. I drove down twice in '06, and once in '09 and '10 respectively. I miss it. I miss the smell and the ocean and the stretch of the I5 between kill-me-now-nowhere, California, and Los Angeles. I miss the winding highway between kill-me-now-hotness, Nevada, and TGI-In-n-Out-Burger in Redding. I miss shorts and a bikini at 90 mph.
• I am burning to do something significant with my life. For God. Now. Yet here I sit in school, unable to emerge until I have my degree, and I feel trapped. I want the knowledge, I love to learn; more than that, I want to make a dent. I have done too little for too long. I feel useless.
• Seven. Final offer.
• I would like to start doing one thrilling thing a week. If I do, life will have landmarks and I may just smile more. I love smiling, and I love being thrilled out of my mind. This is a must.
• I despise intensives and everything they stand for and pretend to accomplish. Especially week-long-ers. Especially weekend-ers. Especially ones with books and work and teachers and people.
• I love Hebrew. Love, love, love. Fluency will eventually become me nicely.
• I am torn about a huge issue in my life. If I continue in the way I am headed, potential disaster. If I quit now, will I ever let go and just do what I want? The big question: do I keep the 4" orange heels or return them and get something wonderful but not as exciting? I only have days left to decide. What do I do?!!?!
• My hair is getting longer. I miss my short hair suddenly (thus my completely unflattering but totally nostalgic fb profile picture), but if I cut it now I will hurt myself. Ugh. I just want it uber long or right back to short. NO! It will be long. The end.
• Waffles with strawberries would make my life right now.

Basically, I think too much. That is all

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