Fall Away from Your Past, But It's Following You

If I knew the formula, I would figure out everything that's wrong with my life and be perfect. I haven't.

But I'm doing my damnedest. I am fighting with all that I have, and that has to be enough. It's got to be, or what else is there?

umbrella for rain

so it cannot touch my head

the street is quiet

darkness into light

falling behind emotion

into what could be

haikus eat long grass

or whatever they can find

to munch between teeth

If I Just Lay Here

Word of the Day: Contemplative

con·tem·plat·ive

[kon-tuhm-pley-tiv

given to consider thoroughly; characterized by thinking fully or deeply about

It seems to me that all I have been today is contemplative. It is a day that would be best suited to laying in the grass in the sunshine for hours, or painting a poem, or swimming in a river with all my clothes on. Instead of doing those things, I have simply gone through the day and allowed thoughts to wash over and through me.

It has been a long two years. Now I find myself at a new place in the desert. I think that it would be quite impossible to ever wander the same part again; it is too ingrained in me that those ways only lead to death. I know them far too well to ever get lost on those paths again. The trouble is that I don't yet know where the new paths lead. This latest one has items of interest along the path, but not much to entertain. But! Did you notice? There's a path.

In plain English: I'm still in the same place I was two years ago, but I'm in such a vastly different place it can hardly be called the same. I'm still in Canada, but it would be foolish to think that northern Quebec and southern Alberta are in any way the same. And I don't know where to go to just get out of Canada already.

Other thoughts:

I would like a house that is always full of flowers.

Secretly, I wish I had almost no possessions.

Even more secretly, I wish I had too many to know what to do with...so I could get fed up and have none.

Cooking makes me happy.

Painting makes me smile for long periods of time. And I know it's genuine because no one else is watching.

I secretly think there are some things I'm really good at, but I'm afraid that if I say them aloud then my "powers" will be taken away.

I don't know if I like music anymore.

I have only spent two full days this summer doing what I want to do.

I am afraid that my new unfear of being alone will lead to me waking up twenty years from now, all alone, and with no way to fix it anymore.

Tacos are delicious.

I want everything to be full of flowers.

A - Muse - Ings

I haven't blogged in a long time, again. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't have much to say. Here's a snippet view (to quote my most hated feature of Google Books) of my most recent thoughts.

I've been working at my new job three weeks now, and it's definitely different than I expected.

This weekend was spent at Green Lake with 15 incredible people. I needed that so much.

I got a ridiculously nice easel and paint set for my birthday from a ridiculously awesome man. I'm dying to spend a whole week doing nothing but using it.

I ate an ice cream bar for dessert.

Okay, and I'm officially done with the shortened versions. Lately I've stopped listening to the radio for a few reasons: (1) I hate getting a song stuck in my head that isn't doing anything for me (I had a huge issue with "Touch My Body" a few years ago, and this time it's "Let's Play." So bad, but they're too catchy to get rid of); or, (2) I don't want my thoughts and emotions being influenced by songs that revolve around cheating, breaking up, or salacious sexual references. That being said, the last few days I've just been station hopping until I find something reasonable, and today I came upon this song. It was like my heart stopped and said, "Yes! Finally. Something I can identify with in a positive way." Don't read into it too much.

Tomorrow is the start of another busy week, but I'm looking forward to it. Busy means less time for too much thinking means less time for wrong conclusions that come out of an empty mind. A busy mind, in my case, is a healthy mind.

Ride Out the Wave

I am afraid of myself and the things I still carry with me against my will. I am afraid of the insecurities that drive me to commit ridiculous faux pas. I am afraid of my subconscious efforts at sabotage. I am afraid that I am not strong enough to be the woman I want to be. In that case, thank God for...well, God. I, on my own, by my pitiful self, am not big enough or strong enough or self-controlled enough to prevail over my flesh. But Christ in me? He reigns. And when He is not reigning, I know there are things between myself and Him that need to change, not between myself and others.

I have an extremely good thing going here, and I just cried myself silly thinking I am going to wreck it out of my own stupidity. But! If I surrender every thought and every action and every desire to the One to whom I attempt to give control, then there is no failure; failure for my hoped outcome perhaps, but not failure in His eyes. Thank goodness for the but.

The more I focus on Him, the easier this will be. Come on, Leanne. Grow up, delve in, be the woman of God He has called you to be. No excuses, no regrets.

There is nothing scarier than the empty hanging of a heart on the line.

Prone to Leave the God I Love

As a child, I used to imagine my hiding place with God as a garden. It was much like this one, except with many forks and a bench for us to sit on. Here I would just be with God. It was my safe place to go when I had a nightmare or just needed peace. I have not returned there in a long, long time.

More recently I have turned to the image of an island; safer, with no shadows. I don't go there much anymore, either.

This summer is being planned as one of rejuvenation instead of burnout, for once. I am creating a plan that centers around actually caring for the different needs of my body and spirit, and allowing God to do the rest. It will be interesting to see how it affects my life.

I am in a battle right now that is 100% mental. It is about maintaining focus, building strong muscles (literal and figurative), and not giving into the temptation to lie down in the desert to die. There are so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I need to focus on those and remember my reasons for living; not living as in continuing to have a body that beats and breathes and operates for the sake of itself, but living with passion as opposed to being a dead soul in a functioning body.

I am doing good, I really am, but this is a marathon. I am only just remembering my legs.

Accepted and Worthy Is Our New Name

So, today is the day. At exactly 1:41 AM, I will transform from being a boring, run of the mill, poop on a stick 22-year-old into a marvelous, fascinating, completely transformed 23-year-old! Brilliant! And the intermittent pictures? On the eve of such an occasion, I think it highly appropriate to document the many faces of Leanne in the face of facing said occasion.

I don't think I was a big fan of 22. Negative perspective (it's always best to start here and end on a sweet note):

• I was a heart and soul prisoner of the institution, of The Man.
• I had a lot of bad dreams, a lot of which came true.
• I made mistakes.
• I gained weight in bad places.
• I had the worst internship of my life and took the worst road possible to build character.
• I cried. A lot.

But the positive perspective! (it's always so comforting going through the negatives and almost always thinking of positives anyways):

• I had my incredible, life-changing roadtrip with God!
• I finally got to go on tour and see the whole amazing country! And who could forget the people?! Wow!
• I built a LOT of character!
• I made some new amazing friends!
• I overcame a lot of difficult things and came to a new level of understanding myself, others and God!
• I found a man who treats me right!
• I learned to laugh again with true appreciation of life!

So, in summation, it was a year, which I was apparently more pleased with than I first thought upon initial recall. Good thing I made lists. Tomorrow my family will celebrate 23 years of life since I landed, and Saturday my friends will celebrate surviving thus far and the potential for life yet to be lived. I don't know how else to say it, or if it will even get across what I want to say at all, but here goes: yesterday helped to shape me into who I am, and the day before that and the year before that; the good, the bad and the ugly. Yesterday does not hold me, however; I am no longer defined by who I was yesterday or any second preceding that. Christ in me is who I am now, and who I will grow into. He holds every one of my yesterdays and all my tomorrows. And today, this day that recognizes my birth, is nothing more than a tribute to one more year that He has plans for me. I hope to live this next year in such a way that brings more honor to Him than to myself.

That Was Life

It's been a long time. I couldn't really tell you why. Maybe the sanctuary is gone. Maybe it's something bigger.

Life has become busy again, flowing and frustrating and full and lovely and busy. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to go, eventually. Maybe I am finally stepping into myself; not just writing about me, reading about me, processing about me; just being me.

A Breathless Homecoming

After six weeks on the road (look out for the upcoming hit single of that name), we returned Monday night with a desperation to be out of the van that was only somewhat subdued by the pressing nostalgia of another life chapter complete. It has been strangely difficult to slip back into the normal way of things, but perhaps that has a lot to do with the lack of normality in my life in general. Since returning, the only normal (for me) thing I have done is read Twilight; I was looking forward to it all trip because they're my getaway-leave-me-alone-please books for just such recuperation moments as this. There has been a whirlwind of things driving my life, including but not limited to being snatched up by a man (hoooorah!), potentially getting the perfect summer job (yeeehaw!) and doing a million little things that are mostly non-essentials but really need doing in the long run.

In short:

• I miss tour. But not really. I miss the ministering part and the bonding part and the giant meals together part and the new cities part. The rest is take it or leave it at this point, I think.
• I love being home.
• If I get this job, I'm set.
• I'm happy and will not let myself feel guilty for it.

Summer is here. Summer. Is. Here. SUMMER IS HERE! And I plan on living it with gusto.

Two Days, Two Nights

...and the accommodations in no way look like what is pictured above. Two days and I am home. I probably do not need to go into what being home means, as I have already done so continuously over the last few weeks.

sitting in a hall

separated by distance

too great to traverse

Haikus say it all.

You Are Stronger, Sin Is Broken

For the first time in more than four weeks, I am finally alone. More than anything, I now realize that it is alone time that I miss while on this trip. There is not a moment, sleeping or waking, eating or walking, even in the bathroom, that is not surrounded by people. I love people, but, for me, refreshing only comes from solitude. My first thought when they left the church? Time to put on some tunes and blog. Until now it's been music in my head because, let's be real, how do I sing when I'm surrounded only by people who actually can? That's another thing: a soul release is singing and I've been deprived of that as well. I also want the time to blog about what's really on my mind and not just the meager scratchings off the edge of my consciousness at the end of the day when all of me is dying for sleep.

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above.

I am not doing well. I do not get homesick very easily, but this is getting ridiculous. All I want to do is go home, sit in my room drinking tea, and read the Twilight series all by myself. Actually. Then I will eat by myself. Then I will sleep by myself. Shower, sing, cook, drive, go for walks...by myself. I love people, especially some people, but I need to get myself back together. This trip has been more draining than I expected. I am struggling with the physical, mental and spiritual wars that I already fight every day, and these have only been magnified by crazy food schedules and too little sleep and annoyances and too much sleep.

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

There is officially one week left, and I will make it through.

Sidetrack: I thought I was alone until the pastor of the church came upstairs and we just had the sickest talk. That kind of alone time I can handle: the kind where I am being poured into and encouraged by someone wiser than myself. What an encouragement! It has been so long since a stranger who so clearly knows nothing about me speaks so clearly into who God has called me to be. His main premise: if I am called to preach, preach. Don't get shoved into children's work or youth work or doing the dishes just because I am a woman. Preach the Gospel whether they are 8 or 80 and do it with the confidence that comes from being called with purpose of God. And be mentored under a person who loves the Word, heals the sick when they pray, and will be a positive enforcer of gifts. Wow. This is what I needed right now. Everything else I was going to write was about confusion for the summer and just how exhausting it is to not know my next step, but this really was refreshing. Thank You, Lord.