Baby, I Believe

Every Sunday I read PostSecret - not because it is ritual or uplifting or fun - because every week there is something that grabs me and I know it is my secret, too. This one is from years ago, but it caught me today all over again.

Today was such a good day. I saw an old friend and did not die; life is too good to give someone the power to wreck it for me. And the further the good goes, the more sure I become that I am going to make it through this season alive.

I have two-hour-old coffee. Yum.

I am sitting here smiling for no apparent reason. Hallelujah.

You Are the Only Exception

So I went to Young Adults tonight. Surprise! Bigger shock: I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Like, for realz.

There were a few key phrases, scriptures and truths that really stuck out to me. I also gave myself a kick in the pants sometimes, in writing, in the third person. So here they are:

Proverbs 18:21. The tongue has the power to give life or to give death.

Proverbs 4:20. Guard your heart above all else.

Leanne, be a leader already! Stop following. I always think positive thoughts I don't say, yet somehow the bad ones always slip out. I like being positive, so why not just do it?

I need to pray that I will become the woman of God He wants me to be and stop only asking that my will be done.

Don't talk about your mountain anymore, talk TO it. Have faith. What is blocking me from my God-given potential? Speak to it.

Examples of speaking truth to the mountains that really struck a chord in me:

• My schedule is not insane or busy, it is full and I am equipped by God to take it on.
• I am not used goods, I am the righteousness of God.
• I will make it out of this, alive in Him.

"When you come to the end of yourself, the only thing left is asking God to move."

That last quote really resounded within me because I said almost those exact words several months ago: "I have abruptly come to the end of myself." I felt like I had nowhere to go.

I don't normally just blog-vomit regurgitated sermon notes, but these ones really hit home.

Confession: I'm scared to commit to a church. I have only been let down. But here...I feel fed. I'm trying to get over the light show and performance to see the heart behind it all. And what I am seeing is good. I'm trying not to walk in fear. Thank You, Jesus!

Slow Is Good...but Fast Is Better

We live in a world that pushes us forward, begging us to take the plunge and dive into whatever we most desire and to do whatever it takes to get it...sex, money, alcohol, drugs, power, fame, "happiness." And then we get hit with the double standard: when we, especially as women, give our all to get what we want, we're seen as conniving, pathetic, egotistical or slutty. We're taught in one breath to move as fast as possible for the ever-shifting finish line, and at the same time be prepared to hit the pause button at any moment and to somehow know when that should be. We're new at this, for crying out loud! I'm twenty-one years old, and I do not have this whole living thing figured out yet. I make a lot of mistakes, regularly, and at some point I need to stop apologizing for things. Some of the time, I'm really not sorry. And some of the time I'm even proud of myself. But for the rest of the times...I just need to change. Slowly. If I try to rush this part of the process, I'll really mess things up. I'm in way over my head, in ways no one even understands, but I think that if I go slow enough I'll be able to surface slowly and not burst my lungs from the pressure.

I have been bombarded all my life with conflicting messages, and they get harder to decipher every day. Relationships are the hardest. Always have been, probably always will be. It's at the top of the list for what I most desire, what I am most willing to sacrifice for, and therefore have the most power to hurt me. Go slow they tell me, as they throw images and story lines at me that tell me it's not possible to. Fast is the new slow. But fast love hurts just as bad as slow love, the potential for pain just comes more swiftly.

In the words of Brooke Davis, "Slow is good, but fast is better," but it begs the question "for whom?"