Now that I'm Sitting Here Thinking It Through

I told someone the other day that the reason I don't blog every day while I'm here is because someone would think I have multiple personalities; my mood seems to change so drastically and so often that it may scare the faint of heart.

But today I have to, even if it's frightening. There is so much going on in my head and if I don't let it out soon I'll shut down.

Again and again it seems to be reaffirmed: "You're not wanted here. Take your gifts and shove 'em." Or something like that.

Everything is up in the air again, and I'm emotionally spent. Today is the day that the earth literally stood still; I've been up nearly 18 hours but it feels like 80. Today is day 19 and my emotional well-being has just about had it.

All day my constant prayer has been "Why God?! You sent me here and must have a purpose somewhere in the midst of all this, but it's invisible. Show me!!!! God! Reveal it! Help me because I physically do not have the strength to ______ anymore." At some points the blanks were simple like "not fall asleep at the park while watching children" or complex like "get up off the shower floor before the water turns me to mush or they break down the door because they think I'm dead."

And tomorrow scares me. This is usually the kind of dread only reserved for...I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is. Oh. The kind of dread only reserved for when I know something is about to end. I don't know what this means.

The Sickness is Catching, is Spreading, is Spreading...

Oh my devious. The semester is over. Last night was the banquet, today is the ceremony, and then most people are gone. And chances are half of them won't bother to say good-bye and will just disappear. Standing in the middle of the crowded gymnasium last night, I knew that half the people I was looking at I may never see again in my entire life.

Steph told me she's leaving tonight. Thailand people are leaving Wednesday. I feel homesick, and I can't explain why.

Right now, I'm taking down all the posters from the walls, starting to pack up my books and organize all my paperwork from this year. It's going to be a lot to go through. And the whole time, there is no feeling of liberation. Almost everyone else is going home to their families, their friends, or off with a group of people from school to tour Canada or to minister in a foreign country...and then there's me. I'm from here. I've still been in contact with all the people I'll ever be in contact with, yet I feel like I missed out on the best of both my worlds, school and "home", because I was always trying to find the balance. And now, with everyone leaving, I'm left here with the pieces of a school year that transformed my life, but may end up leaving me more broken than when I came.

I learned a lot from the people here, from the classes and the experiences. I wouldn't trade it away, but it's scary to know that in a few days I won't live here anymore. Once again, the sickness.

Friday was Surprise Date Day. Ryan took me to Stanley Park, and we went to the Aquarium! I tried to explain but I don't think he understood how much I've always wanted to go there, especially on a date, and he did it without even knowing. That means the WORLD to me. Then we hung out in Stanley Park and went for dinner at the Teahouse. It was so beautiful, and the perfect way to end the day. And in three days, he's gone. We'll have to fight the epic battle of the long-distance relationship, which few survive. Sickness.

There are people who are not getting back, and now that I realize how short time really is and that the year is actually ending, I wish I had got to know them better. There are people who I will miss in huge amounts, and I don't know if I can ever tell them what an impact they've made on my life. I am not the same because of who they are and what they've spoken into my life. But if I told them, that would be sappy and I'm sure they have none of the same feelings. That's okay, though, I guess...it has to be. Waves and waves of homesickness.

Today in church, the pastor used an analogy that is hauntingly reminiscent of my last blog. Waves, the unstoppable tide, how it's not about trying to control it but being in it and how we react to it. So this new change of tides can either be viewed as something new to jump into, or I can spend my time being frustrated that I'm getting wet all the time.

Bittersweet homesickness. How do I cure thee?