Happiness Looks a Lot like Sorrow

There really is nothing to say. I have had a rocking good weekend, but it always seems like the things that should make me feel good...well they don't. They make me feel fishbowly. And I think back over every word I said, every move I made, and criticize the curlingiron outta myself. And I mousetrapping hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. I beat myself up over the stupidest of inconsequential things, then beat myself harder over beating myself up in the first place. Sometimes I want to sink into the ground and just have the air compressed out of my chest so I can't feel it anymore. I hate walking into a room alone. I hate fending for myself in conversations I didn't necessarily choose. I despise myself for wanting things I hate with good reason. I was doing so good today, for the first time in weeks. Back at square one.

Cuttingboard.

Like I said...there really is nothing to say.

Are Not

The more days that go by on this break, the more I realize that life is just not the same.

Breakfast is not breakfast without choose-your-own eggs, which for me is always scrambled with cheese (even though if I were anywhere else I would never choose it).

Tuesdays are not Tuesdays without mini-church. Especially the secretly trying to escape to do homework while wishing the whole time I could stay and forget about it.

Showers are not showers without random girls running through at all times, mold growing all around, and pressure/temperature that changes every thirty seconds.

Wednesdays are not Wednesdays without "Wonderful Wednesday Dinner," arriving 15 minutes early for no reason at all, and then feeling dumb for the next 14 minutes until everyone else shows up.

Homework isn't homework without the pool breaks (even when all I'm doing is reading ahead for next semester).

Thursdays are not Thursdays without chicken strips. I so dearly miss chicken strips.

Weekends are not weekends without lame chick flicks, procrastination, multiple church services and changing seven times a day.

Car rides are not car rides without guys "pretending" to make out, fighting for shot-gun and Timmies.

And waking up is not waking up without people to see the second I open my eyes until the second I fall asleep.