Time, Silent, Heals Nothing; Time in Silence Heals Everything

There is nothing I love more lately than silence. It's not that music and people talking and noise in general is bad, per se, but absolute silence is somehow more enjoyable. Sitting with a breeze and no thoughts in my head is refreshing.

I don't want this all the time, but right now, for this week, it satisfies me. All I've done for far too long is think and think about everything until I go crazy. It's easier to simplify.

I've been realizing a lot about myself in the silence, especially about my relationship with God. It's been so cool to finally see Him coming into proper perspective. I always thought that the more people I brought into my life, the less space I would have for Him. Or maybe I only thought that because I always allowed it to be so. Seeing it now, though, I realize that He always maintains the same amount of space in my heart; He just allows me to expand and include others in it as well. Having a boyfriend or lots of close friends doesn't mean they take up empty space so that I don't feel alone; they build their own addition into the outer walls of a full space. Christ still consumes my whole heart. He is the only one I burn for. And one day, when I do get married, the three of us will enter a relationship together like no other. But without that, I am still satisfied because my heart is full.

Time in silence heals everything.

If I Fall, Will You Let Me Down Easy?

I am tired of not doing the things I want to do because I feel held down by things that realistically aren't barriers at all. I tether myself to "obligations" so that there is no risk in taking that step. So. No longer. I am chopping myself free and going and doing and experiencing and living.

To start: I am taking a sabbatical. I don't care that I'm not a pastor or finished Bible school or old enough to be burnt out. I was, and I still feel the effects. I have dealt with some of the crappiest of the crap in the church and I need to be cleansed of it. So I am taking the time to do that, and soon. It will probably only be a week, but I think that's all I need. I will go somewhere beautiful and immerse myself in all the things I love but seem to never have time for, including silence. It will be glorious.

I am also going to start taking legitimate Sabbaths so this never happens again. That means: doing nothing out of obligation; doing what I want in the moment because I want to and not worrying about money; enjoying rest. This includes but is not limited to: sitting in front of the TV all day, going on long walks in pretty places, ordering in Chinese or Indian or just going somewhere stupidly expensive where I need to dress up and eat by myself which will be perfect; go to see a movie; paint a self-portrait; drive to Kelowna and back; make a lavish dessert and eat the whole thing by myself; get a pedicure; go to the MAC store and get them to put make-up on me and then buy nothing; purchase a beautiful pair of shoes just because I can; apply for ridiculous jobs online just for the heck of it; clean for the joy of it; knit a sweater; read Twilight again just because I can and I love it; wear slutty clothes around the house and through the McDonald's drive-thru; go pick wild salmon berries; wear my grad dress to whatever destination I have chosen; read whatever part of the Bible I darn well please; hang out with someone I haven't seen in a really long time; write letters to people I still have things to say to and then burn them in the backyard; drink beer and listen to my ipod while sprawling out on the grass; spend three hours doing my nails; go to a nude beach; wear a ridiculous amount of make-up with my hair in an outrageous up-do and wear sweats; pray for a full hour without wandering or falling asleep; watch a full TV series season in a day; walk around downtown handing out 5 dollar bills to every homeless person I see. Or something like that.

Things I will continue to do: read my Bible every night before I go to sleep; meet with good friends on a regular basis to hash out life and just be real; not get hung up on looking fab every single day; put my relationship with God before anyone else.

I am entering a new chapter of my life. I can feel it in my bones and it tingles in good ways. Where will I be this time next year? No one knows except God. But that's okay because even if my life falls apart: "Even then, as bad as it will be - God's decree! - it will not be the end of the world for you." Thanks Jeremiah, you rock. Let's hang out again soon.

You've Stolen My Heart

When I look at the flippant blog I began last night but didn't have a chance to finish, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I was trying to get off on a lighter note, be happy now that the good-byes are over and routine is starting to set in again. I can't.

Maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself, and maybe I'm even causing myself unnecessary pain; however, I cannot shake this feeling that my world is being smashed into smithereens. I keep telling myself that getting out of bed won't be so bad, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. Sometimes, just sitting in the silence with myself and God, reveling in the hurt. is what I need to help myself become stronger.

One of my favourite books, quoted very liberally, talks about how it's okay when someone gets mad because mad goes away, but hurt stays for a very long time and never quite fades. I'd rather be mad right now. Mad is so much easier to deal with.

I'm going to the gym soon. I didn't want to go to early because I want to stop at the school office first and I wanted the tour team to be gone already. Good-byes are not my forte these days. So the gym. Endorphins to the brain, hopefully helping my aching muscles, and I'm praying that I'll be good to go.

Or am I? It's amazing what it's taken for me to get into this place of desperately seeking God. Every time I feel the great sadness washing over me again, I pick up the Word until I can breathe again. And I talk to Him. Talk until I have nothing left to say and my heart picks up the slack and speaks for me.

So maybe this place of trial and hurt is exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's possible that this moment, right here, is why I even need to go through it. But either way, as incredibly hard as this is...I'm giving it up. Daily giving up the things I love most because I know He'll take care of me.