As Always

Of course He answered! And, as always, it was not in the way I expected. I was trying desperately to focus on just praying while I got done what I needed to do yesterday, but I kept getting sidetracked. Thankfully though, my humanity is nothing compared to God's faithfulness.

I was going through old birthday cards, trying to decide if any of them meant enough to keep, and I found one from my grandparents. It doesn't matter what it said, the important part is that I read it and knew. Without a doubt.

I am going back to school. I am finishing this year, finishing well, and getting out. And when the hard times come and I get overwhelmed and I wish with all my life that I hadn't, I will come back here, read these words, and know that I was being obedient.

The key to obedience in the wilderness is being faithful to what you knew before you entered. That's what I'm doing. And when I see glimpses of sunshine through the dense trees, I adjust my path accordingly and keep on trekking.

Go on and Get your Armour, Heart, because You're Going to Need It

Old nonsense. That's me.

Yet.

I feel able, capable.

Passionate! About things, about people, about the things that shouldn't matter but do and the things that don't matter but should.

I look into the future and only see brightness; a light at the end of the tunnel greater than I could have possibly imagined, in the words of someone speaking to my nine-year-old self.

There is hope again.

I know who I want to be, how I can get there, and a glimpse of what endless joys it will bring.

I will be honest. I will be trustworthy. I will be compassionate. I will strive to be a woman after God's own heart. I will be a woman of integrity. I will be a faithful, supportive, loving wife, and not just because those words sound good and are expected. I will choose to love and respect my husband, even when he disappoints me and does not love me the way he should. I will raise my children with all the care in the world, pouring into their lives and investing in who they will become. I will serve God how He asks me to, not how I think would best suit me. I will be a good enough friend to be upfront, putting everything on the line in order to help them be the best they can be. I will finish school. I will stop putting things off until tomorrow. I will stop loving the things that only break my heart. I will finish well.

The time has come for me to stop focusing on who I do not want to be and to turn my attention to the person I am endeavoring to become. I can be her, whenever I choose. I choose now.