23.9.09

Where You Are





My most sincere moments of clarity always come when least expected. For one clear, shining moment, I can see the truth that has evaded me for so long and I am completely at ease with the unfiltered view before me.

Today is the first day of fall. Today is a beautiful day just like last year, which feels like yesterday. Today I sat in the middle of a field and cried in the sunshine. Today I had the opportunity to choose, the same as any other day.

Every day is a new day, yet I hopelessly cling to the days before, usually in punishment. I tell myself that there's no point in turning around now because I've already come so far and screwed up so bad. I look in the mirror and don't forget who I see when I turn away; she haunts every succeeding step.

I cannot remember who I was twelve months ago. I cannot remember where she came from or her motivations for anything she did.

I am on the edge of falling flat on my face. I feel as if I am sitting on a very thin line that is supporting my entire weight. If I stay above the line, I am safe; if I dip below, I will crash and burn.

I don't know where this is leading or why I suddenly needed to get it out or why I sound so emo lately. But I don't know how else to express myself. Words fail me. Yet, somehow, my fingers magically transform the beating of my heart into rhythms of voice that are comprehensible on a page.

I don't know what you want from me, Lord.

1 comment:

Greg said...

dangling on a perilous edge is usually the best place to be in my experience...not at that time, but afterwards it seems to make sense.... whatever the case is look on the brightside, since you too can appreciate this...



It's going to start raining soon enough ^_^